i have been my own worst enemy.

So I leave for France in like, 4 days… HOLY SHIT.

I have been so stressed out the last few weeks, and I didn’t even realize just how big of a toll it’s been taking on me. I feel like a crazy person for reals. I should be feeling full of excitement and happiness and all sorts of feel good stuff, but instead I feel void of every good feeling there is to feel. I’ve been having migraines, muscle aches and pains, stomach trouble, you name it, for the past couple months and I am FINALLY realizing that it is stress-related. Wow.

My stress has been manifesting itself (very) physically and I don’t think it hit me until I woke up at 3 this afternoon. I had to call in sick to work, for the millionth time, because I woke up feeling like shit and throwing up. This isn’t the first time. I’ve had to call in because I seriously could not get out of bed no matter how I tried. I have been going to the doctor to deal with anxiety and depression, I have been doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, I recently took a personality inventory (MMPI) with a psychologist to be evaluated for adult ADD/ADHD, I see a chiropractor for my back and neck muscle issues…

I’m too fucking young to feel this damn old!

I am so ready to get started with my Whole30 plan when I get back from France. I am seriously committed to doing this because I am hoping with all of my heart that this will be the answer to some (if not all!) of my “problems.” I just want to feel good again. I want to do the things I want to do and not end up doing them because I get so down on myself or I don’t feel well. I don’t “feel well” most of the time, actually. Don’t get me wrong, I have my days where I feel pretty darn good, but they are few.

Fuck, listen to me have a pity party for one here… 

I am ready for a change. Is this what I needed? Some self-inflicted rock bottom of a place that I can finally realize that it’s just me that’s been in my way this whole time? I’ve never been one to complain to others about my obviously self-inflicted problems, but isn’t that one of the reasons I chose to start a blog? I wanted to inspire and motivate not just myself, but hopefully some poor soul out there that’s searching for meaning and direction like me. It’s not going to be an easy process by any means, but I am determined to be happy again if it fucking kills me!

I can do this, right?



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